After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
