Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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