Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Randomize
