GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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