I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
