I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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