She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
COCAINE IS GR8
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
