why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
