I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
