you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
