Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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