just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
