Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
