I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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