The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
