So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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