just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
