Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
