She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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