I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
