im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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