When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
