fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize
