I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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