I think I died a long time ago.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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