I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
