my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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