mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
