i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
