What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize