i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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