his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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