You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
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