No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
