i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
