my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
