This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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