Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
My bed is full of blood and feathers
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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