'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
