Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
