If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
