I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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