gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
