every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize