Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize