____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Your cock deserves a montage
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
