I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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