eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
