i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
