I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
