As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Why did my mother make you get naked?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
