i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
