when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
