I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
We just shotgunned beers for America
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Randomize
