my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
and she was petting her beer can
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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