Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
