you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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