guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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