I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
