If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I love you. Go after that dick
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
