Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
In America we eat man semen.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
