I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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