Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
