is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
